This week has been hard. The flip side of the emotional coin to the excitement and anticipation is the reality of leaving my friends and family behind. This feeling of sadness was precipitated by speaking with my Grandma. The reality is she is old and there is a very real possibility that I may never see her again until we are in Heaven. Speaking with her made me cry. So did thinking about how much KAlani will miss his Grandma and how much she will miss him. I feel sad taking that away from both of them. It was a hard day. I let myself mourn and nursed my feelings with some coconut ice cream. It obviously fixed everything, like only food can.
As many of you know, Nate and I are extremely impatient and think things should happen like yesterday when we decide to do something. For example, in my naive and impatient mind we should have had an offer on the house after the second showing. If we don’t then catostrophic events will happen. This is always my reaction to things I have no control over, which is a position I hate to be in. We listed the house on Wednesday and by that afternoon I was already conjuring up scenarios of how the house would never sell and I would have to work full time because Nate would be in New Zealand looking for our new home and so on. It’s exhausting being crazy and I don’t drink/do drugs, so I can’t numb the crazy. So I usually get mad at Nate for something dumb. This time it was spending too much money on coffees and 5$ bottles of kombucha tea. Thankfully Nate knows I get like this and talks me through it. Reminding me to breathe, to trust God is in charge and all things happen in His timing and being crazy and worrying only makes me and everyone else miserable.
As I said previously, we listed the house. It has received a lot of interest which is great, although having showings all the time makes it feel like we don’t even live there. We are finding we don’t want to do anything at the house for fear of making a mess and disrupting the cleanliness. On Friday, I even showered at the pool just so I wouldn’t have to clean my tub after. Believe me I am aware these are not real problems. This fact was especially evident after I watched a story about a child with a disease called epidermolysis bullosa: which means his skin is paper thin and is constantly tearing off. He is in constant pain yet doesn’t complain. It was a good reminder for me to be thankful for what I have and that the disruptions of showing the house are very minor in the grand scheme of life. So I adjusted my attitude and mindset to that of taking it one day at a time, one issue at a time and letting going of the things I have no control over. One day down, many more to go…
As some of you know, we are in the process of moving to New Zealand. This is not a new idea, we originally started this journey 7 years ago but then life got in the way. Nate and I had ALOT of growing up and personal growth to do and it is really quite miraculous to think of where we were and where we are now. A big part of the changes were tied to a rich spiritual life with God or Jesus as my higher power. This is not something I generally share with people because they tend to want to get in a debaTe with me on religion or theology for which I could care less about. But the point of sharing it here is that this process of moving to New Zeland has been very faith based and our attempt to follow God’s plan for our lives. When I say that to people they look at me like I have two heads, even Christians, but I have learned that I hear God’s voice in a very clear and unique way. It has lead me to do some thing that appeared drastic or possible rash but I have never been wrong when I felt God was leading me in a certain direction. Also in my experience, everything happens for a reason and I have been fortunate that I could always see what that reason was along the way even when the process was painful and unpleasant.
So back to our move to New Zealand. As I said it started 7 years ago when we got a nursing license there but never went any farther then that. In January, I was pondering what I wanted to do with my life. I have never been a person who felt a calling in a certain direction or who had lofty goals. I kind of just stumble through life and go wherever I feel God is leading me to. I have also felt that I had the freedom to do many things in my life if I wanted like get my Masters, move to another country or change careers. I am extremely fortunate that my family is very supportive and seems somewhat used to my flippant life changing decision making. So while pondering with my colleagues one day about what direction to take, they all encouraged me to follow my dream of moving to New Zealand and not to wait 5 years like we had decided. The more I thought about it the more it made sense not to wait and I immediately text Nate with my idea. Let’s just say the idea wasn’t received exactly how I hoped(Nate’s note; I said sure right away, but then followed to freak out at the thought of getting rid of life as I know it, and then after thinking about it was all for it) but after 24 hours he was on board and we began the process of looking at moving to New Zealand.
Over the next few months we spent a lot of time praying to ensure this idea was right for us and in line with God’s will for our lives and there were things that happened that made us doubt that moving was God’s will for us. But with each closed door, my confidence and assurance that this was indeed God’s will never wavered. What did changed is the image of what and where relocating would look like for us and looking back I think those closed doors helped us to draw together as a couple and keep fighting for a dream we had.
Now here we are possibly a few weeks away from selling our house and moving to Auckland New Zealand. There is still so many things to be done and having laser eye surgery while trying to pack up and sell your house is challenging to say the least and I had no idea how much crap we really were holding on to for no reason. Nate has probably made three runs to the Sally Ann with a truck bed full of stuff we haven’t used in 5 years. It is interesting what becomes important when you can only bring the essentials with you. I realized I have very little attachment to things, well except my lululemon gear, I haven’t been able to wiiddle it down too much and it will probably take up the majority of the space in my suitcases. But in all seriousness being unattached to things is extremely freeing and speaks to how far I have come in the personal growth department.
I think I am going to end this blog entry here. If anyone needs advice on how to make huge life changing decisions on a “whim” or in a very short period of time I am free all week.